JOKES / HUMOUR

[MSButterfly]

How extremely immature - on the level of primary school children giggling in the cloakroom about ‘you know what’.

[Bluegum]

John bumped into Patrick in the Mall just before Christmas.

Patrick had a small parcel in his hand. "So, you're buying something for your wife for Christmas?" John asks.

"Yeah, she wanted something with diamonds for Christmas." Patrick replies.

"So what did you get her?" John asks.

"I got her a pack of cards"

[Bradup]

[H-Bomb]

I went out with the girls last night. As I was leaving my husband said "Have a good time. Behave yourself". Wish he'd make up his mind !!

[Bradup]

I trust you had a good time

[Lola's]

[H-Bomb]

Sadly NO !! Just though it would lighten the mood a bit. Especially since we have that very sad Melaniecarr back

[Lola's]

[John Rawson]

A patient walks into the Dentist's office and complains that he's gum's are very sore and he consequently can't talk properly to he's fellow employees.

The Dentist advised that one should find the cause or root of the problem and not necessarily treat the problem itself.

He was advised to gargle Gumtree!

[Bradup]

Confusius

I don't think that there are too many people who can ''read between the lines'' of your posts.

I am not just refering to this one.

LOL

[pianomann4u]

> Two Jewish men, Sid and Al, were sitting in a Indian restaurant in New
> York
> Sid asked Al, ‘Are there any Jewish people of our faith born and raised in
> India ?’
>
> Al replied, ‘I don’t know, let’s just ask our waiter.’
>
> When the waiter came by, Al asked him, ‘Are there any Indian Jews?’
>
> The waiter said, ‘I doont be knowing, I ask cooksaheb..’ He returned from
> the kitchen in a few minutes and said, ‘No sir, no Indian Jews.’
>
> Al wasn’t really satisfied with that and asked, ‘Are you absolutely sure?’
>
> The waiter, realizing he was dealing with ‘foreigners’ gave the expected
> answer, ‘I check again,’ and went back into the kitchen.
>
> While the waiter was away in the kitchen, Sid said, ‘I find it hard to
> believe that there are no Jews in India . Our people are scattered
> everywhere.’
>
> The waiter returned and said, ‘Cooksaheb say there is no Indian Jews.’
>
> ‘Are you certain?’ Al asked once again, ‘I just can’t believe there are no
> Indian Jews!’
>
> ‘Madhar Chod ! Listen, I asked EVERYONE,’ replied the frustrated waiter.
> ‘All we have is Mango Jews, Pineapple Jews, Orange Jews, Cococnut Jews &
> Tomato Jews! - No Indian Jews !!! ‘

[pianomann4u]

A blonde gets a job as a teacher
She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
'You ok?' she says.

'Yes.' he says.

'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says.
'It's best I stay here.' he says.

'Why?' says the blonde.

The boy says: "Because I'm the f*cking goal keeper"

[pianomann4u]

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his
ashes home.

Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio
table.

Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to
him. "Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it
with the insurance money!"

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,
"Herman, remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with
the insurance money!"

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in
the ashes she said, "Herman, that diamond ring you promised me? Bought
it too, with the insurance money!"

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, "Herman,
remember that b l o w j o b I promised you? Here it comes!"

[H-Bomb]

Both very good Pianomann.

Bruce Willis, Silvester Stallone & Arnold Schwartzinegger were offered parts in a film about famous classical music composers.

"I'll be Mozart" said Bruce.
"I'll be Beethoven" said Silvester.

Arnold said " I'll be Bach"!!!!

[Bradup]

Husband arrives home unexpectedly and see a red Ferrari, belonging to Flash the local playboy, parked in his driveway.
He sneaks into his house using the side door and find some clothing on the floor, all the way to the bedroom.
He peaks around the bedroom corner and his suspicion is confirmed when he sees his wife and Flash, both naked, and also very much concentrating on their workout.
He takes his Okapi from his pocket and tiptoe to the bed, grab Flash by the nuts and pushes the knife in front of his face.
''We are going to make a deal here today,'' the husband says to Flash.
''Anything, anything you say,'' Flash replies with fear in his voice.
''We are going to swap cars today,'' the husband says.
''Yes, yes, that's OK,'' Flash replies.
The husband demands the keys for the Ferrari and allow Flash to dress and give him the keys to his 10 year old jalopy bakkie.
Completely rattled and shaken, Flash takes off in the old bakkie, heading straight to his local pub for a double scotch.
As he parks the bakkie in the parking area, he could see the regulars inside the pub through the window.
As he enters the pub, John, also a regular shouts, ''Hey Flash, whats up with that f*cked-up old bakkie you're driving, where is the Ferrari ?''
Flash replies, ''I swapped it for the bakkie''
John replies, ''You're not serious man, someone saw you coming''