JOKES / HUMOUR

[Bradup]

SA is the only place in the world where a political split in the ANC can be called a banana split.

[pianomann4u]

Getting a hairdryer through customs.....

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside
her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?

' 'Of course, child. What may I do for you?

' 'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's
birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid
they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs
for me? Under your robes perhaps?

' 'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.

' 'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official
asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?

' 'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.

' The official thought this answer is strange, so asked, 'And what do you
have to declare from your waist to the floor?

' 'I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which
is, to date, unused.

' Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'

[pianomann4u]

A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes."

A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money..

"You're finished already??" the startled husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip.

"Thank you," the blonde said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

[H-Bomb]

Hey, that's not nice I'm blonde Very funny though

[Bradup]

The political world was rocked on Thursday by the news that Julius "Sello Vie" Malema, president of the ANC Youth League, is set to join the Democratic Alliance, the governing party of the Western Cape.

Malema (30 -- but a young 30, obviously), is due to have his ANC membership revoked by a disciplinary hearing, on charges varying from "sowing division in the party by not sharing tenders", to the more heinous "rhyming 'Zuma' with 'Blooper' in political songs".

Initial speculation was that he would join the Pan Africanist Congress, but Malema himself dismissed this, saying: "A budget of R500 per month? Yes, that's going to help me make a lot of political difference. The PAC is so useless, it comes pre-bribed."

According to Leading Political Analysts, the DA would be the perfect party for the soon-to-be party-less Malema. Cape Town is such a small place, there would be significant savings on morning-after taxi fares, and there is nothing Capetonians like more than nouveau riche bling with no discernible source of income. Or, indeed, people with funny hats.

But would Malema be a good fit for the DA? Helen Zille, or "Beloved Madam" as her fanatical supporters have dubbed her, seems to think so.

Speaking to this reporter while taking time out from a protest vigil outside a new sushi restaurant that refuses to serve linefish, Zille said: "The one thing that the DA lacks to really make it a credible opposition party is that essential culture of corruption that separates the big parties from the small intimate gatherings in the corner.

"Currently, the ANC gets almost 100% of the coverage in the Sunday Times, the Mail & Guardian, City Press and that other paper no-one can ever remember. A recent survey has shown that nine out of 10 people snigger when asked 'What can the DA do to advance your business/Arms Deal/job for your son?'"

"Time and again, we at the DA have tried to get the media to expose our corrupt deals, but with little success. If I was to be honest, the DA is useless at being corrupt. This is the kind of thing you can't fake. Voters can sense incompetence -- our recent attempt to award a R1-billion corrupt tender to TBWA\Hunt\Lascaris is a case in point, and made us a laughing stock. So far, the best we've managed to come up with is paying workers with the dop system. We desperately need a man of Malema's talent to really get the media to pay attention to us. And as you know, history has shown that people vote for the party that the media picks on, because they hate the media more than corruption," she added.

Will this odd coupling of Juju and Zuzu reignite the DA's campaign to garner more popular support in South Africa? Yes. Yes it will.

Chris Roper

[Bradup]

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.

Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table.

He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:

'I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked.

Man, she is one fine looking woman!'

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.

His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says: 'I got it on with your grandma and she is good,

The best I ever had!'

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad, but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says,

'I'll tell you something else, boy, Your grandma liked it!'

At this point the biker stands up,

Takes the drunk by the shoulders, looks him square in the eyes and says.....

'Grandpa;....... Go home!

You're drunk.'

[Bluegum]

The story is told of a king in Africa who had a close friend with whom he grew up. The friend had a habit of looking at every situation that ever occurred in his life (positive or negative) and remarking, "This is good!"

One day the king and his friend were out on a hunting expedition. The friend would load and prepare the guns for the king. The friend had apparently done something wrong in preparing one of the guns, for after taking the gun from his friend, the king fired it and his thumb was blown off. Examining the situation the friend remarked as usual, "This is good!" To which the king replied, "No, this is NOT good!" and proceeded to send his friend to jail.

About a year later, the king was hunting in an area that he should have known to stay clear of. Cannibals captured him and took them to their village. They tied his hands, stacked some wood, set up a stake and bound him to the stake. As they came near to set fire to the wood, they noticed that the king was missing a thumb. Being superstitious, they never ate anyone that was less than whole. So untying the king, they sent him on his way.

As he returned home, he was reminded of the event that had taken his thumb and felt remorse for his treatment of his friend. He went immediately to the jail to speak with his friend. "You were right," he said, "it was good that my thumb was blown off." And he proceeded to tell the friend all that had just happened. "And so I am very sorry for sending you to jail for so long. It was bad for me to do this."

"No," his friend replied, "This is good!"

"What do you mean, 'This is good'? How could it be good that I sent my friend to jail for a year?"

"If I had NOT been in jail, I would have been with you."

[Bradup]

This is good.....

[Bradup]

Peense received a R 8000 fine for spilling his drink on zuma......

With the new information bill, that is nothing, compared to 15 to 25 years in jail if you spill the beans on zuma.

[Goddard]

Officials of the New South African government have come to realise that
the current status of having 11 official languages in the New South
Africa is impractical. A new language was thus introduced. This is
the English as it is now spoken on television and radio. The recently
published New Suth Effrican Deekshunry defines these new weds. Here are some
extracts and examples of their usage in the official New Suth Effrican
lungwich:

Bad - you sleep on it in the badroom

Beds - mossies, doves, etc

Beg - container, as in shopping beg, hand-beg, tog-beg

Ben - to set alight

Chealdren - our future is in their hands

Chetz - where worshippers go on Sundays

Cuds - you can play poker or rummy with them

Cut - a small donkey-drawn vehicle

Debben - city in KZN

Deekshunry - where you find weds

Detty - opposite of clean

Die'llas - as in drug die'llas or wee-pon die'llas

Driva - holds the steering wheel of a teksi

Duck - very duck at night when the lights are all off

Ebben - you get ebben erriors and rural erriors

Effrican - from the continent of Africa

Erriors - districts, e.g. ebbon erriors

Ewways - eg. SAA, Comair

Fems - companies, e.g., Anglo-American

Fest - the one before second and third

Fok - used with nifes

Fum - you can fum with ship or kettle

Fumma - he owns the fum

Guddin - where you grow kebbijees

Geave - you MUST geave, I WILL take

Get - a hinged device in a fence

Hair - as opposed to heem

Heppi - state of elatement, e.g. I'm so heppi - I just voted

Hiss - masculine form of hairs

Hubba - where sheeps dock

Itch - as in itch and avairy pesson

Jems - little bugs that give you the flu

Kah - what you drive around in

Kennel - ummy officer

Kebbijees - vegetable

Keptown - some think parliament doesn't belong there

Kettegry - in a system of classification

Kipper - one who kips, as in goal kipper

Kleenix - where nesses weck

Kot - where the judges sit

Len - to acquire knowledge

Leeda - as in Arwa Leeda, the president

Lungwich - weds what are spokkin

Mick - those that will inherit the eth

Miening - what is the miening of this attack?

Nesses - they weck in kleenix and hospitals

Pee pull - powa to da pee pull

Peppa - one way to get the news

Pesson - one of pee pull

Phlegm - the benning top of a kendal

Pees - symbolised by white dove

Pees-Tox - between IRA and John Major

Reeva - e.g. Limpopo, Vaal, Orange

Regime - anything to describe pre-1994

Ree kwest - replaced by dee mands

Rent - N/A - word obsolete

Scotched Eth - guerilla tactic

Sheep - big boat

Shex - houses in squatter camps

Ship - provider of wool

---- of Peppa - something to write on

Shuck-attak - if the shuck-net is brokkin

Shuck-nets - at Debben, for safety of sweamas

Spitch - what politicians make at a relly

Suth - opposite of North

Sweamas - compete in a sweaming pul

Teps - solvent to thin enamel paint

Teck - see geave

Teksi - kah for hire - sometimes parrot teksi

Tenning point - the "top" of a parabola

Thest - ice cold Coke will relieve it on a hot day

Tipic ally - characteristic

Tocks - negotiations

Ufrican - pertaining to Ufrica

Ummy - military force

Wee men - ladies

We pon - a gun

Wean-dow - with glus for throwing bricks through

Weaned - Gone with the Weaned

Weaner - the one with the most votes

Weckliss - the unemployed pee-pull

Weds - what the dictionary is made up of

Wekkas - do the weck

Weld - the eth

Wems - small crawly creatures

Weth - she is weth her weight in gold.

[H-Bomb]

Excellent Goddard

[pianomann4u]

A Traffic Cop pulls Julius over for having a dog on the front seat of his car.

As the Cop approached the vehicle, he notices the Julius smacking the dog over the head.

The Cop asked him why he was hitting the dog.

Julius replies, "The little bugger’s just eaten my licence disc."

and who said Julius wasn't a quick thinker?

[Bradup]

Arrested for laughing !

A young Woman who was several months pregnant was sitting in a bus when she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition.

She changed her seat and he seemed more amused.

She moved again and then on seeing him laughing more, she filed a court case on him.

In the court the Man's defence was:

"When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant.

She sat under an advertisement, which read:

'Coming Soon - The unknown boon'.

I was even more amused when she then sat under a shaving advertisement, which read:

'William's stick did the trick'."

"Then I could not control myself any longer, when on the third move she sat under an advertisement, which read:

'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident'

The case was dismissed... the judge fell off his chair laughing..

[H-Bomb]

Hey Bradup. You just fixed my grumpy mood Thank you.

[Bradup]

A divorce court judge said to the husband, "Mr Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully and I've decided to give your wife R 5000.00 a month."

"That's very generous of you your honour, thank you very much" he replied.

"And I will also try to give her a few bucks myself."